Dirty Tales
( Thai east northern)

          Funny tales are for entertainment and amusement. They are very popular in all countries and told in all languages. They have been remembered and told for a long time. There are funny tales about fools, geniuses and lies etc.

     Dirty tales are classified as funny tales. They are usually told from person to person. The amusement depends on stories, tones, and gestures of the tellers. They are rarely written down. In most cases, the written stories are ot as funny or dirty as telling.

          Dirty tales are told among adults or those with experiences. The tales can be told to both men and women. If listening to dirty tales with fair mind, it can be seen that the tales allow us to learn the way of life, culture, faith, environment and how they earn their living. Furthermore, dirty tales cleverly teach us about sexuality. Those who study dirty tales must be careful in their study and analysis so that they will gain both knowledge and entertainment.

Followings are some of Thai east northern dirty tales. (Sarn Saratassananan 1995: 1-42)

Smell Sweet?

          She was the most attractive girl in the village. Even the most beautiful girls in the near by villages could not match her beauty. It was said that her feces were like lipsticks and her urine was like hair essence. Moreover there was a rumor that her vagina smelled so sweet.

          One day, she went to fetch water from a river near the village. It was deep and wide with a large sandy bank.

          A young man who was madly in love with her wanted to find out if her vagina really smelled sweet. So when the girl carried buckets to the rivers, he silently followed her to the river. When she reached the pier, she wanted to pee. She put the buckets on the riverbank, pulled her skirt up and sat down to pee. The young man saw his chance. He ran to her backside. He placed he hand under her bottom and pushed his fingers into her secret hole as deep and quick as he could. The girl was so frighten. She screamed and quickly stood up. She turned back and saw the young man. She was so angry and madly criticized him. She grabbed a stick and tried to hit the young man. He then ran away to the pier and jump into the river. As he swam to the other side of the river, he did not want to lose the scent of her secret hole. So he raised the hand that was pushed into her secret hole above the water as high as he could and used only one hand and legs to swim.

          When he reached the riverbank, he was so happy that he would smell the girl's secret part. He ran into a garden and stop near lemongrass and sweet basil bushes. He raised his hand with her smell up and inhaled deeply. Instead of the sweet smell as he expected, it was very stink.

          The boy felt like to vomit. He rubbed his hand with lemongrass leaves and smelled his hand again. It was still stink. He grabbed sweet basil leaves and squashed them. When he smelled his hand again, it smelled like fermented pork (northeastern food). That made him hungry and mouth-watering. He went to the river to wash his hand. It was still stink.

          Since then, the young man and people in the village had never questioned the smell of her secret part again.


Mr. Chieng De

          She was a daughter of a cucumber farmer. Her boyfriend is Chieng who lived in the same village. Chieng was a nickname given to young men who had been Buddhist novices. We would disregard his real name. Chieng and the girl were madly in love. They wanted to get married but Chieng could not afford the wedding. However they secretly had an affair as they had chance.

          On day, she went to her parents' garden. She hoped that Chieng would be there but she didn't see him that day. So she wandered around the garden. After a while, she felt tried and sat down under a cucumber stand. As she rested, she saw a cucumber. The cucumber looked just like Chieng's penis. She imagined Chieng's face and recalled Chieng's love making ritual.

          She felt so thrill. She wanted to put the cucumber in her vagina as a substitution for Chieng's penis. She looked around and saw nobody. Thus she took the cucumber and pulled her skirt up. She then gently inserted the cucumber into her vagina and started to move it in and out. As she moved it in and out quicker and quicker, she felt so excited and moaned "Chieng De! Chieng De!" ("De" in northeastern language means real - "Chieng De" means "it's really Chieng's")

          At the same time, his father came to the garden to pick cucumbers as usual. When he came near his daughter, he heard the moaning. He wondered that who made the strength noise in his garden. He tiptoed to where the noise came from and saw his daughter playing with the cucumber. He felt strength and surprised. He then showed himself and asked what she was doing. When his daughter saw him, she was embarrassed. "POCH!" she quickly pulled the cucumber out. She showed the cucumber to his father and said, "It's for you. Dad!"


Pee for Me

          He had been married with a woman in his village for several years. Apart from the couple, there were his mother-in-law and sister-in-law living in the same house. His father-in-law passed away a couple of years ago. His sister-in-law was a very attractive girl. He had a strong feeling for the girl. He had been trying to figure out the way to have sex with her. He would be very happy if he had a chance to sleep with his sister-in-law. However, she was only 14 or 15 years old and had no sexual experience.

          The house where they lived was quite old. It was built from softwood. The floor, the wall and the ceiling were in bad condition. Especially the terrace, which was made from bamboo, was very unsafe. So he pulled down the terrace, went to a wood to find new bamboo and built a new terrace.

          At that time, it was a rice-planting season. He was plowing alone in their rice field. They had a small hut near the rice field. The hut was built from bamboo and the roof was covered with grass. The hut was in fair condition. It was a customary that a wife would bring lunch to her husband before noon. His wife had been doing this everyday.

          One day his wife was ill. She asked her sister to take lunch to her husband for her. Her husband saw his sister-in-law walking to the field. He said to himself that it was his chance to make love with her. He figured out a plan. As he was plowing, he said to her "Now we have a new terrace. I would like to ask you a favor. If you want to pee, do not pee anywhere. Please come home and pee at our terrace because, apart from what we normally do at the terrace, we can pee on it too. I put a lot of afford building it and made it look good. So please pee on it. I would be very happy and appreciate it."

         The girl fell to his trap and said yes. After a while, she felt like to pee and said to him that she would go home and pee on the terrace. As she walked away, he called her back and said "Hang on, I want to pee on the terrace too. Please pee for me." She did not know how she could pee for him. So he told her to go to the hut and lay down. Then he gave his pee to her.

          After the girl took the pee from her brother-in-law, she walked home and peed on the terrace. Then she told mother that her brother-in-law asked her to take his pee and pee on the terrace for him. She also told her mother how he gave her his pee. The mother then said angrily, "Fool girl. Why did you let him fuck you!" The girl said no more word to her mother.

          She went back to the rice field and told her brother-in-law to take his pee back. He said, "That's no problem." He told her to go to the hut again and took his pee back. Then he told her to go home. As she arrived at home, she told mother that her brother-in-law had taken the pee back. She also told her how he took his pee back. The mother then said more angrily " You fool. You let him fuck you again!"



          A young man and a young woman had been in love for a long time. However, despite their love, they were afraid that they would not be married. They decided to vow to a scared abandon pagoda. It was believed that anyone could ask for anything from the scared pagoda. The only prohibition was anyone who made the pagoda dirty by feces, urine or fart will be cursed to death. If anyone did this, they must find a way to apologize to the pagoda to break the curse.

          When they arrived at the pagoda, there were no other people there. They laid flowers, joss sticks and candles before the pagoda. Then they put their hands together and kowtow. The first kowtow was all right. The second kowtow was also all right. During the third kowtow, the girl farted "Pod." They were very frightened. They discussed how to apologize to the pagoda.

          The young man suggested that stripping in the wood behind the pagoda would please the pagoda and break the curse. The young woman agreed. They went behind the pagoda and stripped. For unknown reason, they were tried.

          After apologizing, they kowtowed again and the young woman farted again. "Pood" It was louder than the first time. They discussed what to do again. She suggested that they do the same. He agreed. They went back to the wood and "apologized" again. They were more tried.

          They came back to the pagoda and kowtowed. No matter how careful they were, the young woman farted again. "Padddd" Even louder than the second time. They were very frightened. The young man blamed his girlfriend for farting repeatedly. She said she was sorry and suggested they "apologize" to the pagoda again. The young man was exhausted. The first two "apologies" drained most of his power. He gave up and said "Darling, I don't have energy for another "apologizing". If I do it again, I would be death before we get married anyway."

          They had to skip the third "apologizing". They apologized to the pagoda by word and walked home tiredly.


Shoot Star

          Three young men had befriended for a long time. They were always toget her. They had never had secret among then, even about their feeling for girls. One of the young men was in love with a girl in a nearby village. They agreed to get married soon.

          One day, the young man asked his girlfriend to make love. She didn't resist. However, they could not find a secret place to make love. He told her that he would come to her house on the next day at eight in the evening. He would be under the floor. He told the young woman to put her vagina over a hole in the floor. (The floor of the young woman's house was built from bamboo and there were a lot of holes in the floor). He would push his penis through the hole and into her vagina. She agreed.

          Following night, the young woman's parents had gone to bed. She sat down on the floor and lighted a torch. The young man asked his friends to come with him. He asked them to lift him to the floor and he would put his penis into his girlfriend's vagina. He told his friend that he would shake when his penis was in place. He told his friend to push him up as hard as they could when he shook.

          When everything was understood, they tiptoed to the young woman's house and went under the floor. They saw her sitting over a hole. The young man told his friends to lift him up. The young woman heard a noise from under the floor. She was embarrassed to follow her boyfriend's instruction. If she said anything, her parents would be woken. She saw the torch and got an idea.

          She picked up the torch and placed it over the hole. Her other hand held a stick wiping burning soot from the torch. She put the soot on the base of her boyfriend's testicle. The young man caught fire. It was hot and hurt. He shook madly. His friend saw him shaking and thought that everything was in place. They hardly pushed him upward.

          The young man was hurt so much. He could not scream, as he would wake his girlfriend's parents up. He whispered his friends to take him away. They ran away quickly with fire between the young man's legs and on his cloth. The young woman's mother woke up and saw a moving light and said "Oh, my God. It's a shooting star."


Snails in Stomach

          A young man had been married for several years. He and his wife had children. His sister-in-law was very attractive. He wanted to make love with her. He tried to figure out how could he have sex with her.

          One day in a raining season, the young man was plowing their rice field. His sister-in-law brought him lunch. He told her to help him planting rice. When she finished, she was tried. She went to a hut near the rice field and fell asleep.

          The young man saw his sister-in-law sleeping and plan how he could have sex with her. He quickly picked up snails from the rice field. He placed them between her legs and in a row from between her legs to the ladder, down the ladder and to the rice field. It looked like the snails were queuing to enter her vagina.

          After finishing placing the snails, he went back to the rice field. Later, his mother-in-law came to the rice field and went to the hut. She saw the row of snails queuing to go under her daughter's skirt. She screamed and woke her daughter up. The young man heard the scream. He pretended to be panic and hurried to the hut. He then said, "Some of them may already be in her stomach. If they stay there, it would be poison." The mother-in-law believed that. He shyly said, "They can be only pulled out by a penis bending to the left."

          The mother went home with her daughter. When they arrived at home, they told the elder sister what happened. They agreed to search for a man with a penis bending to the left.

          The young man came home in the evening. His wife told him that they need a man with a penis bending to the left to save her sister. Next day, he tied his penis with a string and pulled it to the left. He wore a short loincloth and set down in a lawn to cut the grass. He desperately wanted his wife to see his penis. As he hoped for, she saw it. That evening, she told her mother that her husband had a penis bending to the left.

          Following day, his mother-in-law told her younger daughter and her son-in-law to go the hut and take the snails out. She told them that she would be there with them. The young man hurried ahead to the rice field. He quickly picked snails as many as he could and hid them in his cloth. When his mother-in-law and her younger daughter arrived, he told his sister-in-law to enter the hut. He told his mother-in-law to stay under the hut to pick the snails that he would pull from her daughter's stomach.

          He put his penis into his sister-in-law's vagina. Each time he moved, he dropped a hidden snail through a hole in the floor. His mother-in-law saw snails dropped to the ground. She hit and crushed them angrily with a stick to revenge for her daughter. He dropped his last hidden snail as he reached his orgasm. He told his mother-in-law that he had pulled all snails from her daughter's stomach.

          The mother-in-law was pleased that the snails were pulled out. The young man was very happy with his sex with his sister-in-law.


Hu-Hur-Ha-Hin-Hurt (Pull the Skin First)

          He was a young man with a flatten nose since birth. However, he had a good figure. Because of his flatten nose, he could not speak clearly. He was also dumb. He fell in love with a young woman in his village. He visited her very often. At first she didn't like him. But as he kept trying, she felt for him. They agreed to get married but they were afraid that her parents would not allow them to get married.

          They decided to have sex and let her parents catch them having sex so her parents could not deny the wedding. The young man would climb into her house at night and they would make love.
One night, the young man went to his girlfriend's house. He guessed that her parents were in bed. The young girl threw a rope from her window. He grabbed it tightly and pulled himself up with his legs pushed against a pillar of the house.

          Unfortunately, the pillar was weak and loose. As his legs pushing it, the house shook. That woke her parents up. Her father asked what happened. She told him that buffaloes that they kept under the house were rubbing with pillars. The young man heard that and said "Hid horse hot hub-ha-lo. Hid's he" (It was not buffaloes, it's me.) She whispered him to shut up and continued pulling.

          When the young man was almost reach the window. His girlfriend was tried and whispered him to climb quicker. The dumb man saw that he was almost there and thought about having sex with his girlfriend. His penis erected. Sadly, his penis was not trimmed and the skin at the tip had to be pulled back when it erected. He tried to pull the skin back with one hand. He told the young woman "hu hur ha hin hurt" (pull the skin first).

          She kept whispering him to hurry but he kept saying, "hu hur ha hin hurt." She was so tried and let the rope go. He felt to the ground. Her father hearted the noise and asked what happened. She answered "a cock felt, dad." The young man heard that and got angry. He said, "Hot hock. Hi hock hi hibs" (What Cock! I broke my ribs!)


Famous Bride

          She was a teenage girl with a beautiful figure. She was in love with a young man who lived near her house. They decided to get married. The young man's parents came to ask her parents for her hand. Her parents accepted and they planned the wedding.

          The day before the wedding, the families were preparing the wedding. She was a virgin and had no sexual experience. She was worried about making love with her groom. That evening she was cooking alone in her kitchen and wondering about making love. As she pounded chilly paste with a pestle and a mortar, she imagined that the pestle was her boyfriend's penis. She thought that if her tried it with the pestle, it would feel like having sex with her boyfriend.

          After she finished cooking, she quickly washed the pastel and took it to her bedroom. Her parents were not at home. She locked the door and gently inserted the pastel into her vagina. It was hurt at first, followed by strength pleasure. She went on for a while. The pastel was not washed thoroughly, there was some chilly left on the pastel. She felt heat inside her vagina and moaned in pain.

          Later, her parents came home. She was still moaning. Her mother came to see her. She told her mother what she did. Her mother was frightened. She told her daughter to pull her skirt up. She used a fan to cool her daughter's vagina. She also used a bicycle pump to blow air into her daughter's vagina with hope that it would her vagina down. Both the fan and the pump put a lot of air in her stomach. Her stomach was filled with air and got bigger and bigger. She had to lie down in her room until morning.

          On the wedding day, the groom and guests paraded to the bride's house. They completed the ceremony. When it was time for the bride to join the ceremony, she was already dressed but her vagina was still in pain and her stomach was still flatulent. She wouldn't get up. She had to be dragged from her room. As she bended down to crawl to join the groom, the air in her stomach was squeezed and she farted. It was so loud and was heard as far as the groom house.

          The groom's mother was ill and had to stay at home. She heard the sound and thought that it was a thunder. She believed that it was a good sign for her son's marriage. She put her hand together and prayed for her son and her daughter-in-law. "I wish them happiness and fame like the sound of the earlier thunder."


Sneaking with Guest

          Long time ago, when trading and transportation were not the way of people's lives, it was customary for people to exchange their goods with people from other villages. For example, exchanging salt with rice or exchanging catechus with coconuts. Normally a group of four to five or more females would carry their goods to other villages and exchanged. There would be one or two elderly women leading a group with a number of young women carrying goods. They usually traveled on foot and stayed overnight because the villages were quite far away and the path was rugged.

          During the stay, at night young men from the host village would come to talk to the visiting young women. Sometimes they fell in love and got married.

           This is a story about a group of women carrying goods to exchange with a neighboring village. The groups consisted of two elder females and four young women. At night, one elder and two younger women stayed in one house and the other stayed in another house. At one house, the owner was quite playful. He told his son-in-law to come at night, sneak into their bedroom and have sex with one of the young women while they were sleeping. He told his son-in-law that those wearing bracelets were the young women.

          That night, after all young men who came to talk to the young women had gone home and the guests had gone to bed. The owner signaled his son-in law to sneak in the bedroom where the guests slept with the owner's wife. He made love with a woman with a bracelet. He sneaked out after he reached his orgasm.

              The next morning, the owners asked his son-in-law about the sneaking. The son-in-law told him that it was successful. The owner was pleased and laughed at his son-in-law's gust. He then secretly observed the reaction of the young women. Nothing was unusual except his wife wearing a bracelet. He asked how she got the bracelet. His wife told him that one of the young women was afraid of losing it and asked her to keep it.

          He went back to his son-in-law and asked him which whom he had sex. His son-in-law told him that it was the one who wore a bracelet. He then angrily kicked his son-in-law and said "You fuck my wife!" The son-in-law then said "Oh! That why her breasts were so slack and her cunt was so loose."


Wrestling with Chieng

          In small rural villages, it was common for people to domesticate buffaloes. There were usually buffaloes in every house. Everyday, people herded their buffaloes to a grass field to feed them otherwise the buffaloes might go to gardens or rice fields and destroy crops or be stolen.

          She was an attractive teenager of about 15 to 16 years old. She was a virgin and had no sexual experience. One day, she herded her buffaloes to a grass field near a wood where she met Chieng. (Chieng was a nickname or a prefix for young men who had completed novice Buddhist priesthood.), He was about 17 to 18 years old.

          Chieng was herding his buffaloes too. He saw the girl and came up with a plan to have sex with her. He saw no other people around. He told the girl to let buffaloes enjoy the grass and asked her to have fun by crawling like buffaloes. She agreed and crawled with Chieng. Chieng then asked her to wrestle. They wrestled until they turned on. Chieng saw his chance. He put his penis between her legs. She didn't resist and had pleasure with him. After they reached their orgasms, they stopped crawling and went back to their buffalos.

          That evening, the girl herded her buffaloes back to her house. She thought about what Chieng did to her. She told her mother that she had fun herding buffaloes with Chieng by crawling like buffaloes. She also told mother that he put something between her legs and peed. It was quite pleasant. Her mother was so angry and said, "That was making love! And you let him fuck you!" She told her daughter not to let him do it again.

          The next day, she herded her buffaloes to the field and met Chieng again. She criticized Chieng for putting something between her legs and peed. She told him to take the pee back. Chieng pretended to be panic and told her that he could do it. He took the girl to the wood and told her to lie down. He took his penis out and took he pee back.
That evening, she told her mother that she had Chieng to take he pee back. She also told her how Chieng took his pee back. Her mother scream angrily "You fool! You let him fuck you again!"


Vomiting Vagina

          A young man and a young woman had been in love for a long time. They wanted to get married but their parents did not allow their wedding. They had to wait.

          One evening, the young man came to see his girlfriend as usual. It was northeastern customary to allow a man to stay at his girlfriend's house as late as he liked without interference from her parents. They talked happily until late. After her parents had gone to bed, he asked to sleep with her. Initially, she denied. He kept asking until she conceded.

          They went to her bedroom to make love. After the first time, he felt vigorous and wanted to do it again. He took rest for a short time and made love again. They were tried and fell asleep.

          At dawn, the young man was making love again while his girlfriend was sleeping. Suddenly, he had a severe stomachache and badly needed a toilet. He let it go while he was still on top of her. His feces were all over her vagina. He quickly ran away from her house.

          In the morning, her mother got up and wondered why her daughter was still sleeping. She told her son to wake his sister up. He opened his sister's mosquito net and smelled something terrible. He saw feces between her legs. He ran back to his mother and told her alarmingly that his sister's vagina was vomiting. The mother then rushed to her daughter's bedroom.

          She asked her daughter what happened. She didn't know what to say. She figured out that they must be her boyfriend's. She could not tell her mother the truth. She murmured that she was dreaming about feces and she must have let it go. Her mother was still in doubt. The young woman insisted her answer. Her mother then gave up questioning and said suspiciously "What kind of Chit. I have seen chit but it came out of the buttock and dropped, not came out of the cunt and went up. I have never seen anything like this"


Entering the Piss Hole

          She is a daughter of a governor. She was so pretty. The governor was very possessive about his daughter. He rarely allowed her to be out of his sight. If she wanted to go anywhere, there must be a group of female escorts accompanying her. Even taking a bath, she had to be in the house. She was rarely allowed to take a bath or swim in a river.

          Anytime she went out of her house to swim or travel, young men would await to see her beauty with enthusiastic. Some of them could not close or blink their eyes as she passed them.

          He was one of her admirers His house was on her way to the river. One day, he saw the governor's daughter with her escorts heading to the river. He quickly dressed and silently followed them. He hid behind a bush near a pier when they were taking a bath.

         There was a small sand bank around the pier. As they reached the pier, they saw nobody around. So they stripped, leaving only their skirts. They pulled their skirts up to cover their breasts. After changing, the governor's daughter wanted to pee. She went to the sand bank and sat down behind a bush to pee. Then she went back to take a bath with her escorts. They swam with pleasure and went back in the evening.

          After they left, the young men came out of his hiding place. He walked to where the governor's daughter peed. He saw a deep hole. With his obsession with her beautiful body, he was turned on by the hole. His penis erected. He looked around and saw nobody. He then inserted his penis into the hole with pleasure. After he was satisfied, he went home happily.

          With pleasure, he could not help telling his friend that he had put his penis into her piss hole. His friends misunderstood that he had slept with her. They were disbelieved, but the young man was so serious.

          When his word reached the governor's ear. He was so angry. He had him arrested and interrogated. The young man insisted that he had put his penis into her piss hole. He told the governor exactly what he did. It was understood. The governor could not punish him. He told the young man not to talk about this again and released him. After he left, an old man who listened to the investigation said, "Bullshit, I though it was the real piss hole. It's only a bogus piss hole."


I'm not telling you.

          A couple had been married for a long time. They had only one son and they were still deeply in love. Their son was about six or seven years of age. He was a smart kid. They lived happily together.

          One day, the couple stayed at home and it was also their son's holiday. At noon the kid ran to his mother to ask for permission to go to a rice field near the village to play with his friend. She permitted.

           After their son had gone, they went to rest in their bedroom. Initially, they lied down away from each other. They talked like young lovers. After a while, they moved closer and closer and began touching, hugging and kissing. They were turned on. Then they made love. They thought nobody would come at noon so they didn't lock the door before making love.

          After playing for a while, the kid was tried. He invited his friends to have biscuits at his house. As they arrived, it was so quiet. The kid thought they parents might be sleeping. He told his friends to be quiet or he would be punished for waking them up. Then he tiptoed into the house. He slowly opened the bedroom's door. He saw his parents making love. He rushed back from the door. He tiptoed down the stair. When he reached the ground, he stamped, clapped and laughed. His friends wondered what happened and asked why he was so excited. The kid answers without thinking, " I'm not telling you. My parents are doing it."

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- Kularb Millikamas. Folk Law. Pra Nakorn: Chuan Pin Publishing, 1966
- Pairod Lerdpiriyakamol. Science of People's Principles. Chiang Mai, Thai Language Department. Chiang Mai Teacher College, 1969
- Sarn Saratassananun. 108 Funny Northeastern Folk Tales. 2nd Edition. Loey: Rung Sang Thurakij Printing, 1985

9 Jan 2004

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